Regret and Resentment - on Sarah Vine and rape denial

Last week, Sarah Vine* wrote a column for the Daily Mail, which was theoretically about consent. In actual fact, it was a perfect example of rape denial; calling on the old Knickerless Slag trope, Vine created a twisted narrative, in which there is no rape, only lying women.

By talking about women making a "disastrous sexual choice", Vine is ignoring the fact that when a perpetrator rapes a victim, the victim has no choice. The perpetrator takes away the victim's choice, the victim's agency, the victim's personhood. The perpetrator turns the victim into an object to be acted upon.

Again, by referring to women making "stupid mistakes with men" Vine is putting the onus on the victim. But this is some next level victim blaming poison: Vine's argument rests on the premise that instead of rapists choosing to rape, women are choosing to have sex, and then "crying rape". 

This message is so dangerous. It tells victims, "You weren't raped, you're just a whore." It tells rapists, "Don't worry; she wanted it." It tells society, "Rape isn't a problem. Carry on ignoring it."**

Vine seems to be speaking from personal experience, when she describes waking up the morning after what she calls, "non-violent sexual encounters in dodgy circumstances". (The fixation on physical injury being a key indicator of rape! Fancy seeing you here!) Apparently, in her day, such women would have a shower and "a bit of a cry", before boxing the whole thing up, and knuckling down to a lifetime of blaming themselves. 

To me, there's a real whiff of something here: regret and resentment.

Let me explain.

My paternal grandmother, Nonna, is a 93 year old Italian wonderwoman, and I love her very much. After the second world war, Nonna came to the UK, speaking no English whatsoever.*** She met a handsome Pole (with fluent Italian, but no English), they got married, and my dad was born. Nonna has spent almost 70 years in the UK, and still speaks an utterly bonkers Itanglish, full of "badgins" (badgers), "puppets" (puppies), and instructions to "thrumanaway" (throw it away). 

Now, ten years ago, I was working in a primary school with a huge Somali intake; so many of the parents spoke no English. The parallel with my own family background really affected me; I decided to train to teach English to speakers of other languages (ESOL). I told Nonna of my plan, expecting her to be delighted. Her reaction surprised me: "Pah!"

Nonna's opinion was that ESOL was wasted on these "bladdy foreign", and the idea of government funding being used for such a purpose positively enraged her. Nonna herself had just muddled along, why couldn't these people do that? "When I come here, we get nothing!" And if nothing was good enough for Nonna, then it's good enough for everyone else.

Nonna regrets never properly learning English, and she resents others receiving help that she never had. Hence her anger.

So, back to our friend Sarah Vine.

I'm sure you've already joined the dots, but just in case: I believe, with absolute certainty, that Sarah Vine has been a victim of sexual violence. I believe that Sarah Vine woke up one morning, feeling confused, and ashamed, and disgusted. I believe that Sarah Vine could not bring herself to utter the word "rape", even in her own head. I believe that Sarah Vine coped with this the best way she knew how, by retelling the story for herself, recasting herself as the agent, a woman who chose sex, a person who got what she - at the time - wanted.

I believe that Sarah Vine has regretted this decision for years, maybe decades. But, after all this time, she doesn't know how to go back. I believe that Sarah Vine resents the sea change that we are starting to see in attitudes to sexual violence, towards victims of these crimes. Why couldn't it have been this way when she was raped? Why didn't she have the chance to recover, to heal?

Sarah Vine, I am so sorry that somebody took away your personhood. I am sorry that you are still angry. But please, rather than arming yourself with some kind of sexual violence Stockholm syndrome, and denying that any women are ever raped, instead admit to yourself that you  were raped. 

It's not easy, it's not quick, but it is worth it. 

And, Sarah Vine, these are not your secrets.

*Whose husband, incidentally, is former Secretary of State for Education, The Rt Hon Toad of Toad Hall. 
**If you haven't watched it already, Dr Nina Burrowes video "How are sex offenders able to get away with it?" is well worth eight and a half minutes of your time!

***In fact, because she came from a large, poor, tenant-farming family, Nonna never really learned to read in Italian. To this day, she cannot read her own post.

Terminology

I love words. I have a two volume dictionary in my living room, along with various key texts of linguistic pedantry. But, I don't love all words. Some words I positively despise: fresh, portion, and prepare all make my skin crawl, for no obvious reason. Perhaps it goes back to a particularly stern home economics teacher...

Of course there are other words that I dislike, and for rather more valid reasons. Unfortunately, in beginning this blog, I have run smack into terminology that I usually avoid using. In a conversation about sexual violence, I am able to skate (wafflingly) around these words, or say them with "air quotes" and eye-rolling, to distance myself from them. Not so online.

So, I want to discuss some of the terminology I'm using (and not using) in this blog. I'll alphabetise the list, and add to it when more come to mind.

Child abuse: This term is appropriate when talking, in general terms, about maltreatment of children. It is inappropriate when it is used as a euphemism for the rape of a child. In the words of Christopher Hitchens, "'Child abuse' is really a silly and pathetic euphemism for what has been going on: we are talking about the systematic rape and torture of children" (God is Not Great, 2007).

Date rape: To me, this term trivialises an act of violence. Rape is rape. An estimated 90% of rapes and sexual assaults are committed by a perpetrator known to the victim. So, it could be said that most rape is "date rape". I could write an entire post on this, and I fully intend to! I'll put a link to it here, as soon as there is one... Edit: Tada! Here it is!

"My" rapist/abuser/etc: I personally prefer not to talk about the people who committed crimes against me in a way that implies relationship. I would not refer to "my burglar", and so I talk about "the woman who abused me", not "my abuser". Clunky, yes. But it feels better to me.

Survivor: When used by individuals who have experienced sexual violence, I completely respect their right to describe themselves in this way. However, to me it seems glib when used by others as a blanket term. For the decade after I was raped, survival was a pretty precarious business. Telling, for instance, an individual suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, "You are a survivor! You have survived!" strikes me as rather missing the point.

Victim: I hate using this word; I have enormous issues with it. The mindset of "victimhood" has been written about by many people, with the emphasis on ceasing to see oneself as a victim, and reclaiming control over one's life. The reality of crimes of sexual violence, however, is that the perpetrator took control. While it is important to feel in control of life, day to day, I think that recognising that temporary, non-consensual loss of control is an important part of coming to terms with one's experience of sexual violence. So, I would not say, "I am a victim of sexual violence" but, when talking about the crimes that were committed against me, I might say, "I was a victim of sexual violence". 

However, far more important than the words we use when talking about sexual violence is whether we talk about it at all. Because talking about sexual violence, and drowning out the silence, is of vital importance. Because these are not our secrets.

And! A word on gender.

I am a cis woman. I absolutely understand that crimes of sexual violence are committed against people of all genders. According to current statistics, rape is predominantly a crime committed by men, against women: a 2012 datasheet from the USA's Center for Disease Control estimates that 18.3% of women and 1.4% men have experienced rape. This is not to say that all men are rapists, or that all rapists are men. I was sexually abused by a woman, sexually assaulted by a man, and raped by a teenage boy. 

If I talk about sexual violence in a way that seems exclusionary, please forgive me. My perspective comes from my experiences, but I am very open to discussion on the topic.

What do you think of these words? Are there words that you avoid when talking about sexual violence? Please comment below (anonymously, if you'd like) - I'd love to know.