My Story

I've blogged about some of my experiences of sexual violence, and how they affected me; all of these posts are collated on this page. I will add the missing bits when I post about them. The bullet-points below are links to the original posts.

I didn't tell any adults about any of the following experiences. I didn't begin dealing with them until I was 21.

• I was sexually abused, aged three to four, by a woman who babysat me.
• I was sexually assaulted, aged 11, while on a residential school trip. The events surrounding it affected me as much as the assault itself.
• I was raped, shortly before my 12th birthday, while on holiday with my family.

Being raped was a painful, brutal, terrifying experience. But, for me, that was only the beginning of the story. I am still living with the health repercussions of the crimes that were committed against me.

• The impact on my mental health was huge. I came to absolutely despise myself, and my behaviour became more and more self-destructive. 
• I have a pain disorder. My body hurts every day. From my temples to my toes, everything has the potential to hurt. And everything can go red, swell up, and fail. Walking down stairs is dangerous, as my hips, knees, ankles could give up, and I could fall down. Sometimes I can't lift my arms, or use my hands. Sometimes the pain is so bad that all I can do is lie in bed and cry. Once, I couldn't leave the house for three weeks. I take three different pain killers, plus lots of supplements, but it doesn't stop the pain. There is no definitive answer for what caused my body to behave this way, but Modern Medicine's best guess is: trauma. Anecdotally, four doctors have told me that they think my history of sexual violence is the cause. I plan to write about sexual violence and physical health at some point; I'll link to it here.

The journey from being a victim of sexual violence to being able to talk openly about it without guilt or shame is not quick, and it's not straightforward. But it is possible, and it is worth it. These are not my secrets, and they're not yours, either.

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You can read about why I began this blog here, and about the terminology I use (and avoid using!) here. 

Some readers have also submitted stories of their experiences of sexual violence, and you can read them here.