This post shows the devastating effects sexual assault can have on a person's mental health, but it also shows that recovery is absolutely possible. It's such a powerful message, and one that is important to remember if you're struggling.
The author's words are exactly as I received them.
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I'm not ashamed of my story.
My story is not a story of rape but sexual assault and violence.
I'm not scared to speak out about this or ashamed. 3 years ago no-one knew my story and still only a few do who helped me come to terms with what actually happened. I want people to know that you are not a victim, you are still a person. Nothing that has happened to you defines you.
When I was 13 I started going to a youth group, I used to travel once a week for an hour on my own. I had a friend at this group who used to stick with me, a few months later I met his friend who was a few years older than me, we all hung out a few times which started becoming a normal thing and we all got along. He asked me to go out with him, I said no as he was too old for me and he left it at that. The next time I saw him we were stood outside having a cigarette at our group and there was just us two. He started moving closer to me and was then right next to me. I was leaning against a wall and so was he at this point. He spun round and pushed himself onto me. So close I could feel every disgusting inch of him. Practically crushing me to the point where I couldn't say or do anything. I just thought to myself, oh it'll be some sort of joke. Then his hands were on me. It made me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't speak or move and I was just frozen. The feeling I can't even describe. I was in shock with it. His hands were down my trousers, I was in tears at this point. Silently crying to myself, not knowing what I could do. Then my friend started to walk through the door around the corner and he let me go. I was still stood in shock and felt sick from it all. Every time I met up with my friend and he was there I used to always stay on the other side of the room and with someone. But whenever he did end up alone with me, he always tried to touch me and It was scary knowing he could get away with it.
This was when I went in a self destructive downhill spiral which I couldn't seem to get out of. Still not really coming to terms with what had actually happened and just pushing it out.
A year or so later, I was drinking, and doing other things I shouldn't be doing at the age of 15. However for me that was really my way of coping with everything that I was going through. I was out in town one weekend with my friend we'll call her Sarah. She wanted to nip to her friends which was only 15 minutes away, so we started walking there, I was fairly tipsy but the walk sobered me up. We got to her friends house and I'd never met these people which was scary for me to deal with. My friend went upstairs to have sex with one of the guys which meant I was left alone with his friend. We started talking and he seemed genuinely nice, just chatting away. Next thing I remember was being crushed with his body on top of mine. I had blacked out with shock. Knowing it was happening again and I still wasn't able to fight back or say anything was soul destroying. His lips were on mine and I was trying to get away, I couldn't move under the pressure of him. My wrists were bruised, my top was over my head and I couldn't move. His hands felt disgusting on top of me and I couldn't move. I was crying, trying to shout. I couldn't do anything. I was hit. I hurt everywhere. I managed to get away when he let my wrists go and I struggled to get out from under him. He kept grabbing me and pulling me back. I managed to get out the house. I had no top on and looked a state. I had nothing left of myself anymore.
I suddenly had no dignity and everything was gone. I felt no hope after what I had been through and thought that would always be me, I'd always be the victim and never be able to gain control of my life again.
I ended up in a really deep hole that I couldn't get out of and I was killing myself with what I was putting my body through. I went to the doctors after some pushing from a friend. It was the most daunting thing I'd done. But I got help, I had therapy to help me over come my depression and PTSD.
I finally managed to come to terms with what happened and that I am not to blame for it.
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When we experience sexual violence, we are never to blame and we should never feel ashamed. These Are Not Our Secrets.
All submissions to the blog can be found here. If you would like to share your story anonymously on this blog, email me: thesearenotmysecrets@gmail.com - I'd really appreciate it if you could include your age, gender, and nationality.
All of the posts and pages can be easily found via the blog's contents page. Have a look.
thank you for sharing your story. this was not your fault and when I read it I am struck by how many close calls myself (and many other) women have had (and may still have) in their life times. you are not alone. stay strong, these are not your secrets.
ReplyDeleteThank you for commenting (and I absolutely agree!) - I'll make sure the author sees this.
DeleteRape is a very heinous crime, everyone knows this. Feminists are trying to water down the definition of rape and trivialising it. Feminists want to victimise all women and weaken them. They also seek to shame and blame men because they made poor choice. We must stop these shreiking crazy feminists, they only represent a very small number of women. Most women just want to happy and have a good family. Feminists do not want that. Please stop feminists from diluting the definition of rape now
ReplyDeleteHello, Ian.
DeleteI note, from a quick look at your publicly visible Google+, that you often post misogynistic comments online. So, I won't waste too much time on this reply.
This blog is about "sexual violence" - I go by the Rape Crisis (http://rapecrisis.org.uk/) defninition, which you can read on this blog's About page: http://notmysecrets.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/about.html.
For clarity, should you need it, sexual violence includes rape, sexual assault, and child sexual abuse. Rape is not the only crime of sexual violence.
The woman who wrote the above submission clearly states that she was not raped, she was sexually assaulted. Sexual assault is a crime, and it can have serious repercussions in an individual's life - as this post demonstrates. I doubt you would comment on a piece about sandwiches, saying that it was diluting the definition of lasagne. Or, if it were written by a woman, perhaps you would.
And about "the definition of rape" - I've written before about the tactics used by rape deniers and rape apologists (http://notmysecrets.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/date-rape-working-title.html and http://notmysecrets.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/regret-and-resentment-on-sarah-vine-and.html). Perhaps you could have a read, so you can be a bit less predictable next time?
Before I sign off, a few small points: please do not claim to know what "everyone knows"; please do not claim to know what feminists are "trying" to do, what feminists "want", or the quality of their life choices; please do not attempt - by way of the pronoun "we" - to speak for anyone beyond yourself.
If you're going to comment on my blog again, please stick to facts. And please have the basic human decency not to trample all over the lived experience so bravely shared by another person.
Sincerely yours,
A "Shrieking, Crazy Feminist".
Hi Ian,
DeleteAs you don't seem to listen to women's voices about their own lives, struggles and recoveries I just though I, as a fellow man, could help you out a bit here by confirming that you are indeed talking highly dangerous, weapons grade twaddle of the kind which should ideally be sealed beneath many layers of concrete deep underground, or stored permanently in some equally dense location such as, say, the inside of your head.
I could spend time picking apart your arguments but as you don't seem to have any (or indeed to have read even the first two lines of the article - come on, Ian, if you're going to troll at least put the legwork in) - I don't think I'll expend the energy.
What I will say is this: you don't know more about other people's experiences than they do. They are, definitionally, the experts. So pipe down, listen up and try to learn something from people whose life experiences are fundamentally different from yours.
Also a little bit absurd for you to claim to know what 'most women want' I think. I find your whole comment a bit confusing tbh. What exactly is it that you want? As a woman I can tell you what most women don't want and that is to be a victim of sexual violence, have the courage to share their experience on a forum like this one, and then have idiots like you weighing in as if they have any kind of right. We all hate you by the way. Women that is.
ReplyDeleteIan I suggest you educate yourself on the whole feminist movement before commenting on such sensitive posts, look into what feminism is, what they believe, why they do what they do, this may prove quite difficult for you as you obviously have some issues that need addressing. I hope you find whatever it is that you missing in your life that causes you to act the way you do and have the beliefs you have. Peace out from an absolutely raving nut job of a feminist!!
ReplyDelete*are
ReplyDeleteHello Mel Gibson ... I mean Ian. How ridiculous you are! You completely misunderstand women and feminism but are obviously well versed in women hating. I'm a woman & a feminist who loves my family and has a husband who is strong enough to love a strong woman without belittling her. Femimists come in all shapes, sizes, sexualities, faiths and creeds. You also don't need to identify as either feminist or indeed a woman in order to appreciate this blog. Bad mouthing and ridiculing women who stand against aggression and violence to themselves and others, including children, is what allows violent situations to spiral unseen.
ReplyDeleteI would like to thank the woman who shared her story of persistant sexual assault when she was a child. Anyone, whatever their gender, should be able to understand what a terrifying ordeal that would be, especially for a child in the slow and challenging process of becoming an adult. The fact that she has faced that fear and shared her experiences to help others face theirs is wonderful.